I've been thinking about his post for about a week now. Yesterday chatting with Jessie gave me the lastbit of encouragement that I needed to post. Now this post is more for me than anyone else just to let feelings out on "paper" so there is nothing to worry about (ok.. Mom and Dad)
I even hesitate writing "don't worry" because then it makes it seem like there is something to worry about but there isn't. OK lets start from the beginning.
Once upon there was a little girl who loved her mom. This little girl, lets call her Diana,thought her Mom was someone really special. Diana's mom was fun, she played with the kids, kept the house clean, cooked yummy food etc. Through the example that her mom set Diana thought that being a mom had to be the greatest thing in the whole world and couldn't wait till she was old enough to get married and become a mom. Well the day finally arrived when Diana's path to motherhood began. Diana married the man or her dreams and a little over 2 1/2 years later a beautiful little girl named Kira was brought into the family. Kira was literally a dream baby, Kira was always happy , rarely cried, slept perfectly, ate well yet for some reason Diana wasn't happy. At first Diana thought it was just the adjustment from being a busy student/worker to being a stay at home Mom but as the anxiety, worry and sadness persisted she soon realized it wasn't just the normal adjustment to motherhood. At Diana's 6 week appointment the midwives administered the standard depression scale that they have all new mothers take. Midwife Betty was quite surprised at Diana's test results, they reported that Diana was severely depressed. Diana really didn't know how to respond she had never experienced depression before in fact while reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting " she skipped right over the chapter on Postpartum Depression, why would I need to read this thought Diana, it'll never happen to me. With much support from her husband and Zoloft Diana was able to overcome her depression. When little Kira was 6 months old Diana became pregnant once more. Diana and her husband Lou were excited but also nervous as it was a little surprise and they heard it's very likely to experience postpartum depression with subsequent pregnancies. In August of 2005 little Joshua joined the Allen family. Like his sister Joshua was a very very very good baby ( must be a gift from Heavenly Father since Diana had to deal with postpartum) Joshua was cuddly, he was happy, he also rarely cried, he was content, a good sleeper and a good eater. Joshua was a little angel. Diana's depression however returned with a vengeance. It was more severe than what she experienced with Kira it was so bad that her sweet husband Lou had to drop out of most of his classes to take care of his little family. Diana was afraid to be left home with her two little ones not that she felt she would hurt them but afraid that she would run out on them or ignore them completely. Some people reading this post might have a hard time understanding how any mother could not instantly love her children (we do who have postpartum depression but our love is overshadowed in our minds and hearts by all the other feelings that are going through us) or might just think man snap out of it already but depression is REAL it takes more than happy thoughts and prayers to overcome. Eventually through so much support from Lou and Zoloft again Diana's life fell back into place.
Now however these feelings are coming back. Not necessarily related to motherhood (though motherhood not excluded) but life in general. So I felt like sharing my story so hopefully people can understand me a little better. Talking with Jessie yesterday she asked me "So what's bugging you" My answer: " nothing yet everything" Jessie responded knowing me quite well , said that sounds like classic depression. I cannot pinpoint what I am feeling. I want to assure everyone I am happy, I love my life, I love my family, I love my marriage, I love my friends. It's just a feeling of underlining anxiety/confusion/ sadness that I experience that makes me think I might need to do something to start feeling like me again. Lou bought me a book "Feel Good" by David Burns M. D. is a classic book on cognitive therapy to treat depression. I'll read it, and see what I should do from there.
Thanks for enduring this post with me. (if you did I don't blame you if you just skimmed it) Remember no need to worry. I am happy.
12 comments:
Good job writing this post! I think you explained it all very well- however, I disagree about one thing. i don't think you are happy, I think you are holding on. It is okay to admit that you aren't happy, even if you do love your husband, kids, friends.. etc...Even if you don't know why or can't put your finger on it. I know what you mean- often that is what i have felt: i love my husband, my family, kids, friends. In fact I love my life. So why do i hate it?
I wish I knew. Depression is an insidious 'disease'/malady/trial that you cannot throughly understand without experiencing it. Luckily, or unluckily, so many people can relate- myself included, obviously. I hope you can figure out how to best help yourself and I will help anyway I can.
Diana,
I applaud you for being brave enough to share this post. Sometimes on blogs all I (and most people) do is post pretty pictures of our children and the high points of our life. Sometimes I question if I'm the only one that has pain because nobody is talking about the struggles of mothering and the difficulties of life. So thank you for sharing about the hard and painful times too. Over the past year I've come on some hard times (probably like many) but haven't felt confident enough to share any part of them on a public blog (or to frinds either). Thank you so much for being real about life! I know you are a great mother to your children and that you are an amazing wife. I hope that things look up soon and am grateful for your willingness to share!!
Diana,
I'm sorry you are feeling kind of lost at this time. I have not experienced depression to an extreme and probably can't relate very well, but I have dealt with it in people that I love and who are very close to me, so I can say that I understand to some extent.
I also know what a great mom and wife you are and how much your kids look up to you and love you. I know Heavenly Father blessed you with the husband and kids who were always meant for you specifically. I am thankful they meet your needs too. Call me! if you need or want to talk or vent. I'd love to visit sometime soon. Glad you have Jessie in your life, too. Love you and am praying for you.
karli
I know a lot about depression, too, Diana. You probably already know this, but with each episode of depression, your odds of having another in the future are much greater, so it's not really that surprising if it has returned. I hope you start feeling better soon!
Thanks for your honesty and willingness to share your experiences. I think this is one of the best things about blogging. We have the ability to help others, maybe without ever knowing the impact we have, in ways that we might not have in person. Some things are personal, too personal to just bring up in casual conversation. There's freedom in writing something down, though it may be a very difficult thing to do. I hope you start feeling better soon, Diana.
I, too, find you very brave for opening up like this. I am guilty of being one of the previously mentioned gals that pretty much just write about my kids and probably make it look like I am totally happy all the time and nothing's bad in my life. No one is that way, but few of us are brave enough to admit it. I do know you are adored by your husband and kids and admired by your friends. We're all here to vent to and we all love you.
I am so proud of you for posting this. Depression is so real and very scary. I think the hardest part is that your life is really good but you can't seem to shake the sadness and anxiety. I also struggle and appreiciate your words of encouragement and your courage in talking about it. Thank you for sharing. I have loved getting to know you better
I am so sorry you have to go through this Diana--if there's anything I can do for you, just let me know. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
I am glad you are talking about this Diana- and hopefully that book will help. I hear cognitive therapy is really good!
Could it be seasonal depression? I know my aunts get that in the winter months.
Hope you feel better soon.
So I felt bad that we got cut off on our chat the other day, and that I haven't had a chance to follow up with you again since reading this post initially - I hope you got my comments!
I hope you are able to find ways to get feeling "normal" again, and if there is anything I can do, please tell me. (: It's hard when things are really, going great for you - but you just feel this inexplicable sadness. I go through this sometimes too (:
Send me an email, so I will have your contact information for the "Love" swap!
Thanks,
Missy
laniepaige@aol.com
Diana- I am sending you tons of love, and a letter! I have so much to say and not enough space here. I love you tons!
Your eldest sis,
Sandi
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